It's amazing how quickly this little blog has turned from what I thought it would be into what it is. Yes, I'm still making a trip up North. Yes, I still hope to see the woman called "Beth" here. Yes, I still hope to pick up right where we left off, fall desperately back in love, get married, have babies, watch them grow, grow old, retire & die. But that's less what this is about.
It's more about my problems with my ex-wife. At least, that's what has been affecting me most these last few days. It's been nothing but fights & arguments, and as much as I want to be a good guy, I'm not. I've turned into a giant prick, I've been deliberately cruel, and that's not who I want to be.
I knew when I was writing the last entry that I was wrong, I knew her fucking somebody else was affecting me, but I just didn't feel it. Not until she showed up yesterday to give me my keys back. And then there was another fight today when she came by to pick up a check & I lost it when she said he'd be bringing her by. The fallout of that conversation will still be toxic a thousand generations from now.
I need to just let go, but I've never been good at that. So what I need is to just keep her away from me. Not just that it's poisonous for my soul, but I become a venomous serpent around her. I'm cruel, I'm mean, I'm not making this easy for either of us. And I need my karma in tip-top shape if I expect anything good to happen to me next month.
On that note, I tried calling Beth again today, and got no answer. But, the phone rang through this time. No immediate voicemail message stating that she'd lost her phone, just the same message after four rings. That generally means that the phone on the other end is ringing.
Of course I don't expect her to call, I'm too smart for that.
But hopefully, she has a phone again. And with God's help, I'll talk to her tomorrow.
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