3208 Days Since, 29 Left Until

So my ex-wife is fucking somebody she met at an NA meeting.

Not much of a surprise there. She's free now, and she's free to fuck whomever she pleases.

Not that that ever stopped her before.

The funny thing is that this time, it doesn't bother me. Well, not true, of course it bothers me. but it bothers me more in a "I'm not getting laid, but she is?" way, rather than a "She's my wife with somebody else's cock inside her" way.

But in a way, it's funny. Let her go, let her hit bottom, and that's where she finds herself at home. She's an addict, and now she's fucking one.

And yes, I do find myself wishing I still were the one naked with her. But I don't wish to be the one who her probation officer orders around. I don't wish to be the one she cheats on, she runs up phone bills with calls to ex-boyfriends on, the one who has to put money on her books in jail & tries to figure out how to earn back the $5000 she owes in restitution and has to help find her a job after she plead guilty to stealing that five grand from her last employer.

So, I think it's a fair trade-off. I don't get to fuck her, but she doesn't get to fuck me, either.

But none of this matters, right? There's Beth afterall.

The pessimist in me doesn't think so. The pessimist in me knows what's in her heart, but is scared to death of what's in her mind. It's been almost two weeks since I've talked to her, and the lack of information coming in makes my mind run in circles, analyzing old data, growing more and more paranoid as the positives fall to the wayside and the negatives take center stage.

Sure, the last time I talked to her, she seemed very open to my suggestions that she should have married me instead of the men she did. She seemed to like the idea of heading out to the lake my grandparents own a cabin on & doing some fishing (the same place, mind you, that we first spent the night together and had some really great sex). She didn't hesitate to answer "yes" when I asked if she'd pick me up at the airport.

But, she has made no effort to contact me. She has lost her cellphone, and the message on her voicemail still confirms that, but I've left messages the past three days & have yet to get a phone call from her. In fact, since the first time we talked on the phone, she hasn't called at all; it's always me that initiates.

I know she's scared. I think she's been hurt very, very badly, probably by her first husband. I think she married her second husband because she didn't like the way her first marriage failed. I think she's been so burned by relationships that I'm especially scary to her.

Because I know she still loves me.

With that still in her heart, it has to be scary, as she has no bad memories with me. We weren't together long enough to make them. So, if she jumps into this and it bites her in the ass, something nice, a relationship that was loving and healthy, is destroyed.

Or, at least that's what I think.

Because that's exactly how I feel.

But my heart is on a set course, and that course bypasses my brain. I understand her reticence, her caution, I really do, because my brain is screaming these same things at me.

I just hope and pray that she starts listening to her heart.

Right now, I don't even know if I'm going to see her on my trip. She's the main reason I'm going up there, and I fear that she'll "puss out" again.

But there's always hope.