3224 Days Since, 13 Left Until

And the walls come crumbling down...

I'm regretting inventing the name "Beth." It's horribly plain, invoking images of milquetoast girls in ankle-length dresses eating picnics under old-growth oak trees. Her real name is so simple, so pretty, and so fitting of her to give her an alias seems almost criminal, in the very least a betrayal of her spirit.

She's no "Beth," that's for certain.

I damn near deleted this blog last night. I nearly did so because I thought all was lost. At about 11:00 PM my phone rang with a different ring than standard and a different tempo in vibration, and I answered with a smile on my face and a flush of love and emotion.

It was all quickly shot down.

It took a few seconds, maybe a minute, before I realized that she was mad at me. Angry. Pissed. I had left a message on her voicemail a few days ago, saying I wouldn't "hold my breath" waiting for her to call back. I meant it in a light, jokey manner.

It wasn't taken that way.

I called her again yesterday while I was at work. I didn't leave a message. I figured the caller ID would be enough to alert her that I had called, and I meant to call her again later in the evening. The first words out of her mouth she asked why I hadn't left a message. It went downhill from there.

She was angry, she was upset, and I ended up having to take a half tablet of my anti-anxiety meds to calm myself down. It was upsetting, and nothing I could say could calm her.

It was more than the misunderstanding of a voicemail that led to this. It was the weight of all this crashing down upon her. She told me that she didn't know if she could be what I wanted her to be, which was particularly upsetting. She was a bit incoherent at times, and I asked her more than once if she was alright, which she said she was.

I have been on the heavy side in our conversations, but with reason. First off, it's who I am. I'm a thinker, a philosopher, and what is on my mind will not remain hidden at this point in my life. Second, my big brain, extensive vocabulary, and depth are what won her in the first place.

Last time around, I kept my heart hidden from her, kept my feelings locked away, afraid to show them to the light. I'm making no such error this time. If it doesn't work out, if the spark fails to reignite, if in the end the waters are too wide to navigate, it won't be because my pride stood in the way of letting this wonderful woman, this beautiful mind, know exactly how she makes me feel.

But because of that, I guess she felt pressured. She told me numerous times she wasn't looking for a serious relationship. That she didn't know if we could work, if she felt that way. I tried to tell her that I never wanted anything from her but for her to be herself and follow her heart wherever it may lead, but it just wasn't getting through last night. She was upset, and when the conversations were over, it was a very bad night to try to go to sleep.

...and the walls are quickly rebuilt

I was going to call her this morning when I got to work, try to work things out with clearer heads and calmer hearts.

I didn't get the chance.

At eight o'clock this morning, my phone rang the same unfamiliar ring from last night. Still drowsy, I picked the phone up and saw that she was calling. I almost hit "Silent," until I came to my senses and answered the damn phone. She isn't my ex-wife, after all.

Turns out this was a smart move. She almost immediately apologized, telling me that she was drunk last night (I figured intoxication was probable from her incoherence). I told her that she had nothing to really apologize for, and explained the joke.

I told her the most upsetting thing for me was when she said "I don't know if I can be who you want me to be." I told her that all I want is for her to be herself, to listen to her heart, and be happy. That was my main concern, I told her, so long as she was happy that's all I need, whether she's happy with me or without.

I told her the reasons I can be so heavy.

Everything was great, better than new today. She told me she loved me. She called me "baby" in a text message.

God, I love this woman. It lay dormant for a while, but has always been there.

And hopefully, God is a lover of the underdog and likes to see second chances.

I hope.